Deviant Login Shop  Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour
×

:iconsuthnmeh: More from suthnmeh


More from deviantART



Details

Submitted on
July 20, 2007
File Size
8.6 KB
Thumb

Stats

Views
627
Favourites
7 (who?)
Comments
38
Downloads
9
×


Too late I realize my mistake. Only when all is done...

Gashir... You´ve had your vengeance, now. What else could you take away from me?

Aren´t you happy now, Gashir? Didn´t you get what you wanted? Why won´t you let me be?

It´s nearing midnight again, and here I am, sitting on my chair... Counting the remaining seconds... 59... 58... 57... Staring out the window, into the impenetrable gloom... 44... 43... 42... How could I have ever known it would come to this? How was i supposed to know?

Nearing midnight now... 23... 22... 21... Why won´t you let me be? I think i´ve already paid for your torment with interests! And still you won´t leave me alone! How long is this going to last? You won´t stop until you´ve destroyed me completely, will you? You want to see me suffer for what you´ve suffered! You want to see me dead!

11... 10... 9... Oh no, it´s going too fast...

4... 3... Wait! 2... 1...

Dong...

Curse that chime...

Dong...

I can´t bare it another night...

Dong...

I cover my ears, but it´s not enough. It was never enough. That dreaded chime squeezes its way in between my fingers and pounds at my eardrums...

Dong...

I won´t allow this... Not another night...

I get up, try not to see outside my window. I walk hurriedly towards that big grandfather´s clock i once admired so...

Dong...

STOP!

I feel this urge to destroy at all costs... Fear... I grab the clock and stick my nails in its wooden body, then shove it downwards into the marble floor. Its christal face shatters in a million pieces that glitter in the incoming moonlight all around the room like a million diamonds.

Then silence...

I could hear myself panting. Now what? That wouldn´t stop Gashir. There was a time when a few chains and a locked door could, but not anymore. Not a nuclear bomb could stop him now... Why didn´t i see this coming? We were better off when he was alive! I turn around. Don´t look out the window...!

But that order to myself is exactly what i need to not obey it, and I look out the window...

In the few miliseconds that it takes for my eyes to pass from the cold grey fireplace to the patch of dark glass on the wall, my heart rate goes up to that of a scared mouse and back down with the same speed. There is nothing at the window... yet.

That´s what he likes to do the most. He waits until I get my guard down, and then makes his most impressive appearance. Galloping through the wall behind me, perhaps, or maybe down the corridor, slowly moving towards me, his cold, white eyes fixed on mine.

Sure enough, a slightly blue, ghostly light begins to fill the room, projecting my shadow away from my feet and up the stone wall.

The light grows brighter, and my breathing grows heavier. I´d rather turn around now than let him get too close to my back...

So I do.

I direct my look at the floor and slowly turn my head to my side. The blue light shines on my cheek, and I bet if I looked in a mirror, I would look like a ghost myself. My feet stumble upon each other as I turn my body to the gleaming source of the light and stand facing it.

And my breathing stops... There on the door, iluminating the corridor behind and the room with the terrified man in front with a light of her own, stands not Gashir, but a sad looking little girl dressed with a night gown, her feet bare, and I feel like my heart sinks through the floor to the room dowstairs.

Natasha...

Even through the ghostly glimmer I can see her watery eyes looking mournfully at me. I´ve missed her so...

I want to get closer. I take a step, and she takes a step backwards. She nods her little head, warningly, and I look questioningly at her.

“Don´t” she whispers. “He´s watching.”

And so we stand there, staring at each other. She looks just as I last saw her, when I kissed her goodnight for the last time. Hasn´t changed a bit.

She´s keeping quiet, like she agreed to just let me look at her once more. Like she thinks that would be enough for me.

These past few weeks I´ve thought there was nothing I desired more than to see her once more. Even if it was just for a moment... But now that I can see her and not get any closer to her... It´s even worse...

“What does he do to you” I ask.

“He does nothing to me, daddy. He loves me! He even allowed me to come see you!”

I gulp. My throat burns. Loathing... Desperation... The deepest of sorrows...

“Is... have you seen mommy? Is she with you?”

“No. Gashir says mommy went on.”

I nod, but I´m not sure wether I´m happier or still more misserable.

“I miss you” I say to her.

“I miss you too, daddy.”

“Why did you do it, Natasha? Why did you leave me?”

“He needed me. I had to go to him.”

“I need you more.”

There´s a short silence.

“Gashir says you were always selfish. He does not think you worthy of me. He says you were a bad man.”

“And what gives him the right to say that? He, who tortures me everynight. Doesn´t he tell you of what he does?”

“He needs not tell me. I see what he does. I think he does good.”

I can´t believe what she is saying to me. My little girl thinks I deserve this. She thinks I´m a bad man! It´s Gashir! He´s talking her into this!

“How can anyone deserve this?”

“You were bad and you must be punished. Gashir says he himself was punished without a reason. Now you have to pay.”

“How can you say that? How can you defend him after what he did to you too!?”

“It was for my own good.”

“He´s evil, Natasha! Why do you listen to him?”

“He´s not evil! He was unhappy! You made him always unhappy! You always locked him up, and he didn´t like to be locked up! You should have treated him right! I´m the only one who always understood him!”

I´m in no mood to stand this, and ignore the warning. I walk right at her.

“What does he want?” I yell. “What else can I pay with? Does he want me? Does he want me to join you?”

“No. Gashir would never want you with us.”

“Then what can I do? Can´t he see that I´m already finished? I´m gone! All that I had is gone! I have nothing! If I have nothing, what else could he possibly take?”

Natasha whispers. “He...” But she stops as suddenly as if she had been hit by a brick. “You´re too close. You´ll get him angry.”

“What?”

“You´re too close! Step away! He´ll be mad!”

“You´re my daughter!” I yell “You tell Gashir I won´t do anything he wants me to do anymore! You hear that, Gashir? You hear that, you damned horse?”

“Dad, no!”

“Kill me if you can, but you won´t have anything else from me. Locking you up and chaining you to the floor was never really all that I should´ve done! You only cost me my money and my life! I should´ve returned you the same day I got you, you stinking, pestilent farm animal! Hear me? You looked nicer after I was through with you the last day you could even feel enything on your bones! And yet I was too merciful! It should´ve been slower and more painful!!!”

Natasha shrills. It does not sound like a girl´s scream. It pierces my eardrums and twists my brain. And then she was gone, and that thick, foglike silence floods the house. Here goes...

I open my eyes. There he is, standing still just a few feet in front of me, breathing heavily, his white, lifeless pupils fixed on me, his long, greasy manes falling over his palid face. He is angry tonight...

“Give it your best this time, Gashir.”
Gashir: an undead horse with a bad temper and a thirst for revenge! Be afraid!!

It's my take on a Poe-ish kind of horror story. Romanticism rocks my socks.

Now seriously, it´s a sad story, READ IT, IT´S SHORT, DON´T BE LAZY!!! Then comment^^
Add a Comment:
 
:iconcaity-kitten:
The first thing I noticed is that there are a lot of pronouns, so many that it got a little bit distracting, I feel like theres not enough other words inbetween at some parts, or a couple unessesary ones.

Reading and writing in first person is my preference because I love the it involves the reader, but I had a hard time connecting with the character in this peice. The narrative came across a little too undescriptive for me. Some lines that I think could wield more drama and give us that connection we need are lines like "I could hear myself panting" when you are actually breathign heavily what are the exact words that go through your mind? They are usually more of an impression of what you look like or the sounds your making, not a precise word. How were you panting? How did it feel as those sharp breaths came in qucikly into your lungs, was it painful? Were the breaths quick, deep, steady? Even if a story is short, you've got to keep your readers connected, otherwise their attention my drift off.

That's not to say write a novel to describe everything, but add in those details that the pass through our thoughts. Really try to capture the way a person thinks.

The other thing I noticed, and it may be related to the lack of connection I felt with this peice, is that I didn't feel the panic, as the time got closer, when the grandfather clock rung, usually at dramtic parts I tend to read faster and gobble it al lup, but I didn't feel rushed here, it didn't feel like doom lay round the corner. I didn't hold my breath at the climax, I want you to make me live the story, not read it.

Now I do want to explain, your characters has some good thoughts, good emotions, I think you just need to switch it from "third person mode" to "first person mode". If this was actually written in third person, the descriptions you used would make more sense, but as first person, I think you need to take things to a more personal level.

Lastly, the little girl, how old is she? Is she yonug, because she doesn't speak like a yonug person, is she possessed? Explain how her voice sounds during one of the first time she speaks, this not only shows us her character more, but it put's us in the characters shoes, because the description may be distorted and/or glorified from his point of view. I also think you need a little narration from the character during the speaking part. For example how ehart wrenching was the line "“It was for my own good.” I don't feel like his verbal reaction explained the way that line should have tortued him. I beleive this may have been what he said, but I think there is somethign deeper burried inside of him.

Now for the good parts, I did find the story unique, I'm a fan of horses, specifically the magic or demon kind, and I also love to read thrillers, so all in all I think the bones of this story are strong. My suggestion to you is let it get out of your head, and come back to it so you keep seeing it in a new light, as you might be able to help your readers connect more if you are able to read it from their point of view.

Also the artowrk (did you do that yourself) really gave me an image of Gashir to follow, so I knew it was a horse without being told, and my imagination was able to configure him as the build-up to his appearance was happening, when I was wondering who Gashir could possibly be. Also the name, love it! Is Gashir something you made up, or is this some folklore tale you've adapated into your own story? Lastly the beginning of the story was somewhat poetic, and it captured me right away, I love when I don't have to feel a story out, and it just engulfs me within the first line.

That's just some food for thought, feel free to ask me questions about this critique, as it is my opinion, and it's possible that I may read it differently than the next person.

Remember to Write, Critique, Repeat. #The-Writers-Review
Reply
:iconsuthnmeh:
suthnmeh Mar 7, 2012  Student General Artist
Who-hoa! Critique wall! :la:
Thanks so much for taking the time. It's quite an ooooold piece, so I know it's got some VERY bad quality to it. I really hope I've moved on :P There are so many things I would do differently now. Still, very much appreciate your critique, always interesting to get feedback.
I don't use first person much, actually... I plan to when I rewrite my other story First into a novel (the version i have here is as old as this), so it's good to know what's expected of it.
Yes, I did draw that Gashir pic. Like... 5-6 years ago XD I did say this was old. The name Gashir was something that just popped into my head, actually. I realise there aren't many stories about animal ghosts out there. It could be interesting to come back to this one sometime. Also i don't read much lately, since I can't seem to find the time or peace. Need to read more...
Again, thanks^^
Reply
:iconcaity-kitten:
no problem, it's defenitley a piece to come look back upon when you think you've improved your writing, because I really enjoy the idea, and think you could make a lovely full feature with this idea.
Reply
:iconsuthnmeh:
suthnmeh Mar 13, 2012  Student General Artist
The thought has crossed my mind! Thank you again^^
Reply
:iconduskhorse:
DuskHorse Oct 26, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Ahaha I want more!! I think you should do a flashback of the time when Gashir was alive or something, it's amazing!!! I love it!
Reply
:iconsuthnmeh:
suthnmeh Oct 26, 2011  Student General Artist
Really? :icondurrhurrplz: Never thought anyone would ask that O_o Who knows? it might make an interesting enough book^^ Meanwhile you can find a very short comic in my gallery. Thanks a lot!
Reply
:iconduskhorse:
DuskHorse Oct 27, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Your so welcome :3
Reply
:iconfadinginthedark:
fadinginthedark May 30, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
All I can say is WOW, this is fabulous!
Reply
:iconsuthnmeh:
suthnmeh May 30, 2011  Student General Artist
Ya think so? :iconilavplz: Thank you so much for reading^^
Reply
:icondjchocolate-lover:
DJChocolate-Lover Nov 6, 2010  Student General Artist
Wow that is creepy. I like it good story
Reply
Add a Comment: